Why Am I Not the Bard?

Seraphino is invited into a tabletop adventure, only to discover that its organizers have assigned the role of bard to someone else. The recording treats this injustice with patient theatrical escalation: what begins as restrained disbelief becomes a meticulous case for correcting the most obvious casting error in imaginary history.

Let it be understood that I coveted neither their pasteboard kingdom nor its numerical treasures. I was prepared to observe their goblins, admire their painted hills, and offer such counsel as civilization required. Then they announced that the company already possessed a bard.

The song proceedeth with the restraint appropriate to grave insult. Its verses pause upon each new item of evidence: the lacquered lute, the seven modest bars, the applause arriving obediently at its cue. I wished the arrangement to leave room for silence, for silence is often the only dignified response to absurdity. Even their dragon appeared uncertain which of us held the proper office. I asked for no throne and claimed no enchanted hoard. I requested only that, when constructing an imaginary world in which every role may be assigned freely, they not begin by ignoring reality.